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If there was another, would it still be me?

2/27/12 02:54 pm

It's been a couple of years so here's some brief points,
  • I'm engaged to Steven and I couldn't be happier
  • My car is now a 2004 Magna
  • We've settled into our home in Balga and have many friends 
  • I'm working for iiNet now
  • We had a second dog and even a cat, however they both got into terrible accidents and that was horrible
  • We've been to Bali 3 times now. This year we're going to Thailand, Singapore and Malaysia
I'm going through a phase of re-development at the moment and I'm re-picking my 'close friends'. It seems I've made a few mistakes in recent times, most notably investing in people who are not worth it - either not being capable of or not bothering to properly reciprocate the friendship. 

Last year, I had a bit of an experience in Bali that made me realize something I'd forgotten and still struggle to be comfortable with... I'm completely alone. At the end of the day, no one is going to come and "rescue me", I don't leave enough opportunities for anyone to even try. My problems are so personal and complex that I can barely articulate them, let alone seek help.

I think I have the characteristics of leadership where I can sacrifice myself for the benefit of others - and it is this that keeps me going. I sacrifice myself to my commitments because I don't feel that I deserve to be happy... not after the things I've done. The best I can hope for is to be loved for the happiness I bring into other people's lives, and I've been trying to do that for a while... and it's working... I've learned to find solace in my loneliness because I can do things that no one else can, I can give you things that no one else will. I'm happy now :)

3/8/09 09:50 pm - First post MMIX!!

I want to be noticed but I don't want to cause a fuss
I want to fly without growing wings
There's a lot of things that should work

But they don't, and its' not easy.

The thing I've been using to make my life easier....
I'm their slave now
and they make things harder, than I ever thought things could become

If everyone wants to be found
Why are they so good at hiding?
Pride is my greatest flaw
And most of the time my only source of strength


1/30/08 12:18 am - And remember Al, bee yourself!

So for the past year or so I haven't been myself. It's all my doing of course, but I finally understand. A Black Eyed Peas song, Gone Going, sums it up quite nicely.

So I'm not a musician... big deal. But it's certainly easy to see just how easy it is to lose your way. The workplace can be pretty confusing - and after a long time pursuing my goals, I forgot about my dreams. Material things and superficial, meaningless targets haunted me. I lost my resolve to be me. Idealism prevailed and reality and hope withered.

That's all gone into remission now. I'm flunking uni and writing a novel. In a few months I'm going to go to TAFE and pursue something I've actually always wanted to do - Design. I have a job interview tomorrow and hopefully in a few weeks I'll get to be a peon again... I'm a good leader and boss... but it's a thankless job and I'm too young for that kind of responsibility - it makes me sad.

It's been a long time since I could just smile from the heart - it looks like it's finally happened.

Today I made an origami soccer ball. It is probably the greatest accomplishment I've made at my job in the last 2 or 3 months... at least out of the accomplishment that I personally feel proud of. 2008 is now in effect, please fasten your seat belts - it's gonna be a funky ride!

4/26/06 10:01 pm - Forget regret, or life is yours to miss

This is probably the last time that I'll mention that I haven't posted in a while. since every post I make seems to be infrequent. So yeah, it's been a while since I've posted... in case you haven't deduced so already.

Tuesday 18 Apr
Stayed at the Rydges, it was my 2 month luniversary with Steven and we had a great time. We saw V for Vendetta and had a great dinner at Hungry Jacks.

Wednesday 19 Apr
Woke up at 6am. I checked out the room with EFTPOS even though the hotel had booked off $210 on my credit card... the guy in reception was apparently incompetent. I've been assured by the conciergery however that I'll be reimbursed within 5 working days. Still, really irritating as 2 separate reception staff assured me that no money would be taken out or touched. Work was alright, ran around a bit and got lots of things done, belayed some work onto my boss because I needed some stuff followed up on Thursday/Friday. Finished work at 4pm and went back to mum's to pack. I sat around a bit and talked with mum and had dinner, then caught a cab to the airport. I got to the airport waaaaaaaaay too early and yeah (9:30pm and my flgith was at midnight) ... sat around a bit. The flight was alright, but I only got an hour's sleep. The funniest thing was probably the airline announcement, which are already ruined for me thanks to good ol' George Carlin... however I swear the stewardess was making satire of herself... She described herself, the top stewardess, as the "ranking office" on the flight... that freaked me out... the whole Pilot/Captain thing is whacky enough without this "ranking office" shit. I was expecting her to announce policies in effect by Admiral Branson, didn't happen though, to my disappointment. The other announcement was that "For your comfort the cabin will be pressurized during the flight." What the fuck? The plane is pressurized so that we aren't exposed to a vacuum while at an altitude of a few thousand feet. Of course, I guess that could be construed as merely a comfort issue, in the eyes of a true military office like the "ranking officer".

Thursday 20 Apr
Arrived in Sydney without contact lenses on and didn't recognize dad, who I almost walked past. He has long hair now and looks strange. Had breakfast and went straight to his graduation, that was interesting... there was this long speech however and the damn woman concluded her speech twice... I shit you not. She said "So to conclude" twice, within 10 mintues of each other... though it really felt like 10 years, this was probably related to my lack of sleep though. Not really much around worth mentioning until dinner, that was amazing. It was by far the best food I had ever had in my life. We went to Summit restaurant in the Sydney CBD, it's sorta like the C Restaurant only good and worth the money. Each meal blew my mind and I don't think I could describe it in words... not without wanting to book the next flight back... average dinner costs were $80 per person though... worth every cent.

Friday 21 Apr
We hit the town and spent the day in Darling Harbour, that was really nice... Dad bought me a Swatch Skin watch (http://store.swatch.com/watch/SFK207), so that was very generous of him, and it's a fucking nice watch. I took some shots of Darling Harbour as well, though they're gonna need some PS magic cause the overcast weather messed up the lighting and such. I also went to a bookshop and bought over $200 worth of books, it worked out cheaper for me to get a membership on the spot for $15, just to get the 10% discount.

Saturday 22 Apr
I spent $140 at Dan Murphy's... though considering how good and cheap it all was, I feel no guilt. No alcohol shopping for a very long time methinks. We sorta bided our time after that until 4pm when Aunty Perry, her husband Peter and my cousin Angela picked Cath and I up from Dad's place. They were very nice to us and I opted that we stay the night, even if Aunty Perry had decided this was gonna happen before we knew it :P This night was very significant to me because I met my cousin Phillip whom, just like Aunty Perry, Angela and uncle Peter, I hadn't seen in over 12 years. He was awesome, I've never really spent time with a cousin who was on my level so I felt really sorta... relieved that I had extended family members that were on my level, that shared my sense of humour and perspective, to some extent.

Phil and I left Aunty Perry's and I met his mechanic friends... who spend all day long playing with cars and modding them and stuff... that was very very very different, I spent most of the time gaping at the terminology. It was kinda cool though, I'm used to being the person with all the lingo to throw around, so it was both surreal and cool to have people know more about a technical field than me, in everyday conversation. Hmm, that sounds really arrogant... *shrugs*

We went to a party at 9pm... that was raelly really bad. There were 2 notable characters at this party, both the loud obnoxious types. The first was this fat land whale bitch who reminded me of Toola (speeling?) from Fat Pizza. At one point she stuck her finger in her mouth and announced "Oh my god, I really need to pee"... at another point she slid off the couch and got STUCK *STUCK* under the coffee table. That's right, this chick was so goddamn fat that she slid off a couch and got STUCK under a coffee table... the table had to be lifted off her as she was too fat to be lifted out.

The other character at this party was the dickweed type, the crazy guy that is always at parties, drinking 1000 times faster than everyone else, small dick and hated by the females... he shared some pretty disturbing stories with us about his time in jail and gay bashing... nevertheless, he was pretty funny because of just how fucked up he was. After the party Phil and I went to Wollongong beach, which was cool. It was damn cold though, so cold that with just one jacket I was so cold I was spasming, as was Phil... so we had to layer up. 'twas nice though, we talked a bit - but mostly just sorta walked while I drank a bottle of Yellow. He was drinking so he couldn't drink. I slept on Aunty Perry's couch and got a bruise across my back from a piece of wood... doens't matter.

Sunday 23 Apr
Cath and I got dropped off at Dad's and we lounged around and had lunch. Mariko (dad's GF) made an amazing Japanese curry lunch, I wish I knew how to make it. I had cravings for it ever since. Mariko then went to work and I headed into town to hang out with Daniel (sych). I spent about 2 hours with Daniel, we walked around and went to his place and walked some more. Towards the end we wrestled in a park in front of St Vincent's and fell into dogshit... that was great. It was really good seeing Daniel again. He walked me back to Dad's car and Dad, Cath and I had dinner at a really nice Thai place in Newtown. The food was incredible, however the most notable thing was the chef, who was wearing a welding mask because the stove he worked with was constantly shooting fire. Dad dropped me off at the airport after that and I lounged around until I had to board the plane. I bought 3 dozen Krispy Kreme's for everyone back home.

Monday 24 Apr
Work. I should've booked the day off, didn't realize ANZAC was coming up. Went to Steven's at night, that was awesome, I really missed seeing him.

Tuesday 25 Apr (ZOMG! Today)
I spent all day watching Stargate with Steven. His mum dropped me off home. So now I'm here, writing this really really long thing that no one will probably bother to read. *shrugs*

Extra points
- I finally understand that in the song "Another Day" Mimi is actually saying "Forget regret", and not "Forget, regret"... which didn't actually make sense at all.
- I read a book on ethics called Godless Morality... that totally put my philosophical mind into overdrive. I also read Eats, Shoots & Leaves... however that was really for English teachers and people with too much time... so I felt a bit left out by the type of humour. Still a good book though, I and have a whole bunch of "The Panda Says NO!" stickers to put up everywhere.
- I've begun playing FFX and have NFI what's going on... I'm on some island with a hot island guy where everyone seems to be Hawaiian... It reminds me of Wind Waker
- Moving on Saturday, so very excited :)
- Up to season 2 of Stargate SG-1 with Steven

3/29/06 09:20 am - and then a Hero comes along...

It's been a while since I updated this thing, and much has happened. I don't know where to start either... so I'm just going to list the exciting things going on in my life.


1. I've fallen in love again
2. I've bought my first DSLR camera, a Nikon D50 and I fucking love it. Coincidentally I've stopped logging into Netbank to check my account balance, this is purely related to the stress it'll cause me. I'm very impressed with the IQ that the camera produces though.
3. I've bought a Playstation 2 and Kingdom Hearts. This means I now have the Holy Trinity of consoles at home and all I need now is to get my grubby hands on FFX and the upcoming Kingdom Hearts 2, Zelda TP and FFXII. Having the new console also means I have no life as I'm currently playing Kingdom Hearts whenever I get the chance. My favourite world so far is Winnie the Pooh... which is weird cause I was looking forward to loathing it and getting it over and done with as soon as possible. The worst so far was the Aladdin one... which was tacky and horrible and needed more funny... Robin Williams funny.
4. I have no ADSL. A certain little Colombian man whose name starts with Raf and ends with iki didn't pay the phone bill and we got d/c and had our DSL codes dropped. I tried to get us reactivated but Amcom are too n00bian to even bother and I've decided we're better off breaching contract with them when we move because they're just so fucken incompetent with everything... I had to walk their operator through LOLO because he didn't know what he was looking for. I'm now on dial-up. Pity me.
5. Cockburn is the funniest suburb name in WA.
6. I have my original 20GB iPod back. This I find really trippy and cool. I've got the same songs on it now as well. So yeah, very retro 2004. :P
7. I have an upgrade of my old GX15. I bought a GX17 the other day and am very damn pleased with it. It's all fast and cute and light and has shitloads of battery power. So yeah, also very retro 2004.
8. Did I mention I've fallen in love again?
9. I'm going to Sydney after Easter... so that's really exciting. With my new camera it should back the stay in Leichardt all that much cooler.
10. I'm moving back into the city now. We haven't found a place just yet, as they keep on disappearing under our noses, but we're currently looking at East Perth, Northbridge and West Perth.... as well as the actual foreshore of Perth. Coinciding with this Steven will be able to stay over during teh week and such... so that'll be double awesome.
11. Probation here at work is going to end in 13 days... so I'll know whether or not I'm getting another payrise... *crosses fingers*
12. I might be getting a couple of freelancing web design jobs coming up, through some guys at work... so that's really exciting too cause it's a shift in the way I want to go.
13. I'm going to launch sales of some photographs I've taken via Flickr and Deviantart, soon. This'll probably happen after Sydney and after I've moved.
14. I haven't yet maxed my credit card... though it's 2/3 of the way used and yeah... won't be paying that off for a while.
15. I'm in love!
16. I upgraded my computer and I now have an Athlon 64 3200+ in a Super Lanboy case... I've turned my old computer into a server box however I'm still working on it as the whole server thing isn't going to be too useful until I get DSL again.
17. The XBOX is going to be chipped soon and EvolutionX will be the first thing that goes on it.
18. Drawn Together has finished for this season, and Raf and I are still crying.

3/14/06 06:56 am - Ruining LOTR

If you want LOTR ruined for you... or at least anything to do with Rohan... check this video out
http://www.silencethemusical.com/Movies/Lostking2.mov

3/10/06 01:40 pm - I wish I could remember where I put myself

We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
I might take you home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place (that) you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

Had a really good week but it an all time low now... Things have been a bit rocky with Steven, not because of anything he did... but I guess because of things I normally expect, that I haven't gotten... and I'm confused because I don't know if maybe I'm just expecting too much too soon, or if I'm trying to restore my status with him to what I've had in the past... and all I want to do now is just break, I want to just snap my neck and go to sleep.

I can't see him when I want to, which is new... it's part of what tore Daniel and me apart. When I'm interested I'm infatuated... I guess. I wish I could see him everyday and wake up to him, I wish I had at least someone to wake up to. I miss having that, a lot. I'm still cold at night, even after all this time, the occasional reprise from him probably isn't helping the day to day feeling... but it feels so good that I crave it. And I guess the worst part is that I guess a part of me doesn't feel that he's in as deep as I am, and I'm still falling. What's really wrong is that whenever I look at him, I wish he was older. When I meet up with him after work, I wish that he was out of school... and that's bad.

The thing that scares me the most is that I like him so much that I no longer know what to do.

3/7/06 06:58 am - I gave me away, but I was lonelily looking for someone to hold

Well, this weekend certainly didn't turn out the way I expected... everything sorta got cancelled... but yesterday was by far the most notable.

Steven came over around 6 on Sunday night and we went for a walk around Mosman Park and had a pack of doritos and dip for dinner (we're healthy kids). We watched some Atlantis till he got all tired like and then slept in the living room under the airocon.

Monday was yeah, one of the best days I've had in a long time. We had breakfast, watched a bit of SGA and then went off to the beach for a bit. It was beautiful, the water was just so still and calm and clear... It was unbelievable. We played a bit in the water and tanned a bit and played some more and then made our way back to the pool. After that we just sorta shacked up, talked a bit, watched some more SGA and he had to go home. Now, it may sound like the events of Monday were pretty short... till you consider that the beach and pool took us a good 6-7 hours... Yeah :)

Looking forward to this weekend as well, as well as the week itself... looking forward to pay day especially.

On another note, the website is going very well, I've just gotta finish off the Science and Entertainment pages and I'll have a fully operational news site. I'm still working on things like advertising and the like... the recommended resolution for the site is 1280x1024 but I see no reason for it not to work in 1024x768 (did some light testing). Maybe if I get the site running at full capacity I'll work on making it more compatible for people.

3/5/06 12:03 pm - New website!!!

www.thenimf.com

Check it out!! I would suggest you click on the GAZETA link :)
It took me 8 hours last night to make it... still working on it as fast as I can go. Parts that aren't working don't because they're not made yet.

3/3/06 11:01 am

Q: what's the last text message on your mobile say ?:
A: "Shanks make me wet. Hey I mite c u when u finish work"

Q: whose bed did you sleep in last night ?:
A: My own

Q: what color shirt are you wearing ?:
A: Black with fake slash marks

Q: most recent movie that you watched ?:
A: Date Movie

Q: name one thing that you do everyday ?:
A: Drink.

Q: what's the color of your bedroom walls?:
A: White

Q: how much cash do you have on you right now ?:
A : $20

Q: What's your favorite sport?
A: Judo

Q: When was the last time you saw your mom?
A: Sunday.

Q: Who got you to join Live Journal?
A: Balmik (vyxn)... though it was really an independant decision

Q: What did you have for dinner last night?
A: Subway

Q: Look to your left. What's there?
A: A chick from work

Q: What website(s) do you visit the most during the day?
A: Work pages

Q: Do you have an air freshener in your car?
A: Don't have a car

Q: Do you have plants in your room?
A: Nope

Q: Does anything hurt on your body right now?
A: Not that I know of

Q: What city was your last taxicab ride in?
A: Perth, caught a cab home when I was feeling fucked

Q: Do you own a picture phone?
A: Yep

Q: What's your favorite Starbucks drink?
A: I'm not into that sick shit

Q: Recent time you were really upset?
A: Yesterday after work

Q: Would you have a problem if your friend went after your ex boyfriend/girlfriend?
A: Nope.

_______Last________
1. Person you saw: Chick sitting next to me
2. Talk on the phone with: Rafiki
3. Hugged: Rafiki
4. IM: Sean from work
5. song you listened to: Atlantis OST tid bits

_______Today________
1. What are you doing now: Waiting for 5pm so I can see my boy
2. What are you doing tonight: Fun with my boy
3. What did you eat for lunch: Not lunch yet....

________Tomorrow___________
1. Is: Beach and Stargate Marathoning!!!
2. Got any plans: See above
3. Goal: Get pissed
4. Dislikes about tomorrow: Ummmmmm
5. work: god no
________Currently_________
1. in love with someone: yes, the world
2. Missing someone: Steven
3. Mood: melancholic
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